HANI's tarot journal

Friday, August 9, 2002 Eight of Pentacles Diligence, Knowledge, Detail I don't know when a card has been more inaccurate for a day. The only diligence I could find was in that I did my duty by hanging out with my cousin. I increased my knowledge by increasing my ability to read Tariq's sexual body language. He's very macho. He doesn't do all those desperate panting, moaning noises. In fact, he gives away very little. I do not know how sexually interested he is in me, unless he tells me. But I am coming to know him a little better in that matter... His body language is quite subtle, but one can read it, once one has figured out what the signs are. The problem is in figuring out the signs.... I know no details. I did shopping. In shopping, I pay no attention to details.

Thursday, August 8, 2002 The High Priestess Nonaction, Unconscious Awareness, Potential, Mystery Would nonaction include falling asleep in the middle of the day? Because otherwise, I've been very active today, dressed like a fool. Erm, I was mostly running brainless or on adrenaline, so I was very unaware, whether it was of the consciousness or the unconsciousness. Well, I understood the potential that more members will join the Thespians later, although they were too frightened by my forwardness to join right now. So I shall back off and let the idea-seed grow. Too sleepy for any mysteries. Overall, I think the opportunity was probably there, but my brain is too fuzzy from lack of sleep to be alert enough for it, which explains the reversedness of this card.

Reversed

Wednesday, August 7, 2002 Justice Justice, Responsibility, Decision, Cause and Effect Considering I spent the whole day more or less just hanging out with Tariq, there's not much today that can be applied to the card. However, I did consider how What I Did to Tariq has affected me and my behaviour, and I have to consider what to do now. I have found that I think less of myself, and consequently have picked up some very bad habits, like over-apologizing and other things. Under cause and effect, Ikmal walked into the apartment while Tariq and I were in my bedroom gettin' jiggy wid it. I don't know how much he heard, what he's conclusions are, and what he will do about it. Well, we'll see the effects eventually. I hope my luck holds.

Tuesday, August 6, 2002 Nine of Swords Worry, Guilt, Anguish Ah, this card depicts a state I am so very familiar with. Sigh. Late night tears. What a set-up. I worry. I worry about where the hell am I gonna find space in my own house, where no one will see me cry in the middle of the night. I worry about my relationship with Janta. I worry about the fact that I can't get hold of the stupid parking guy to rent a parking lot opposite Subang Jaya McDonald's by the month. I worry about my relationship with Tariq's mother. I worry about the emotional state of Tariq's father once his daughter moves in with his wife and Tariq is in U.K. I worry about the relationship between my brother and my mother. I worry about my baby sister. I worry about Tina. I worry about my schoolwork. I worry about the Thespians. I'm female. We worry. It's strange. I used to refuse to admit to guilt. Do note the semantics. Once, I would have said that I felt no guilt. Now, I know better. It's not that I felt no guilt. I refused to admit that I felt guilt. Even to myself. Habitual liar that I am. I feel guilty about how I'm ignoring Janta. I feel guilty because I didn't do my schoolwork and skipped class. I feel guilty for TJ paying RM180 for piercing her belly button. Never mind that it wasn't really my fault, but I strangely feel guilty anyway. And anguish is what I feel at night, when I have nothing to do but be with my worries and guilts. I'm too busy during the day to feel anguish. Or I'm with people, so I put on the Face. But God, at nights, I can't sleep for the anguish.

Monday, August 5, 2002 Seven of Cups Wishful Thinking, Options, Dissipation Well, the Thespians have lots of plans that right now are wishful thinking. Hopefully, we'll be making them real, but until we do.... It applies to all sorts of other things too. My schoolwork, my future life with Tariq.... Are they all wishful thinking, or will they be the real thing? The card seems to warn me of my lack of focus and concentration. I'm feeling depressed right now. I don't see the options. Yet this morning, I felt many many options. I believed that I had limitless opportunities. It felt more like a field that I could walk all over, than very strict options of paths I had to take through the field. Tomorrow is Statistics class, and I still haven't done the homework. Definitely, that was dissipation at its clearest. I also didn't focus in class, and I didn't get the class outline.

Sunday, August 4, 2002 The Empress Mothering, Abundance, Senses, Nature I played with my nephews a little. Does that count as mothering? It was my first whole day with my mother, who I guess in my family would be the representative of the Empress. Total abundance. Lots of presents from Mommy. Bras and panties galore. And food too. Rare one, for an abundance of food, for me. Not sure about the senses part. Slept a lot. Masturbated often too. Miss Tariq. Keep imagining what it would feel like if he were around. And I don't know anything I did with Nature. Nope. NO recollection of any nature-bonding.

Friday, August 2, 2002 Two of Wands Personal Power, Boldness, Originality I did many things today, requiring personal power and boldness. I helped Tariq sort out Alisya's farewell party at her school, and I had my first Thespian board meeting for the semester. I think I did pretty well on both counts. Our Thespian goals this semester are pretty original, I think. :)